Some feedback on Orchid!

Decided to email my old Screenwriting professor regarding my treatment of Orchid with the Petals of Velvet.  I knew my grade, but never did receive any feedback on what worked/what didn't.  And since I was gonna expand this little thriller to 100 pages (give or take), I wanted to hear what he had to say.

Well, I got my response tonight.

He told me to fuck off.

Not really, but that would have been funny.

I'll start with the constructive criticism.


One thing he pointed out was that the treatment had the same main problem as the synopsis: The protagonist.  I've always envisioned the protagonist to be the female lead, Gia.  Her role is a bit more passive, however.  Because the script is a mystery, he feels the protagonist should be the detective investigating the case.  I understand the reasoning, but I would rather try to figure out how to make Gia more active.

The red herring doesn't seen sophisticated enough.  He's a bit underdeveloped, too.  I understand that.  The red herring was a bit of an afterthought when I did the synopsis.

The romantic subplot was also not fleshed out enough.  OK.

One death scene included a slight twist that I enjoyed.  But he pointed something out and I realized I need to tweak it to make it work right.

There isn't a clear moment of "crisis," the moment where the protagonist has to make an important decision that shows their true character.

The ending is a bit weak in his eyes.  Both the killer's explanation of motive and the killer's death.  I like the final moment, but I see his argument.


And the positive:

He's always liked the setting.  It's fresh and intriguing.  I always feel strange when I really sit down and think about how much I know about brothels.

The beginning grabbed his attention.

He refers to one death scene as "grisly, good."  I LOVE that!  I mean, come on.  The dude said GRISLY!  I'd only ever heard that word when I've read descriptions of those 80's slasher movies I loved so much as a kid.

There is an interesting side plot, which I won't divulge because it later fits into the finale.

He loves the identity of the killer, saying he didn't see it coming.


He told me to keep working on it, and that it has promise.

Woo-hoo!

Makes me look forward to expanding this to 100 pages.

Okay.  I gotta go to bed.  I open tomorrow.

Later.
-Justin